JTBC‘s Spotlight held an in depth cover of Goo Hara‘s passing and the legal fight between her family and her biological mom. During the segment, they revealed a couple of pages from Goo Hara’s diaries that contained heartbreaking contents.
Her diary entries shed a small light into Hara’s thoughts during the hardships she felt in the last years of her life. Some entries were recorded since she was a young student.
Hara, it’s alright. It doesn’t hurt. It’s alright.
— Hara
Some of her entries seemed to be more positive as she discussed finding interest in another person and how she planned for a more successful future with the finances she’s diligently saved throughout her career.
Most importantly, she left messages of self-love.
But some showed clear signs of Hara’s hurt. She asked God to forgive her and look out for her. She appeared to be comforting herself through her religion as she faced another hardship in her life.
Hara also wrote about how she perceived herself. She felt that she was “sensitive” and was the cause for her own unhappiness. She knew she had a gaping hole from not having a mom in her life but tried to focus more on being happy in the future.
What you say. What you think. It comes true and is put into practice. I have to protect myself first and know myself very well. No, I know very well that I’m more sensitive than others, and I know myself so well to the point that it’s scary. Let’s not steal my own energy, and let’s take care of myself to always think happily and positively.
I miss mom. I miss and want to feel mom. I always swallowed it, didn’t let it out, and kept it inside. I’m more desperate than anyone and I want to feel.
I’m more than anyone. Hurting.. no, I can hurt. I more than deserve to hurt.
— Hara
Out of all of the pages, the phrase “It’s alright” was the most written phrase. JTBC took the diary entries to a psychology professor at a university to have them analyzed.
Professor Kim Tae Kyung noticed that Hara continually used the phrase “It’s alright” as if she was trying to convince herself that it was indeed alright.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
It’s alright. Hara.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
— Hara
But the entry that stood out to Professor Kim the most was when Goo Hara talked about being “allowed to be loved”. She felt the sequence of her entries showed that she was trying to persuade herself to think positively but as it wasn’t working, she began to become afraid.
Is my existence bothersome?
Who am I? What should I do? I wonder who I am. Am I allowed to be loved? Do I need to love?
— Hara
Professor Kim noted that these phrases are often used by individuals who were never given unconditional love. They always had to work for someone’s love and affection and that love was easily taken away.
The part that stood out to me the most was when she said, “Am I someone who’s allowed to be loved?” These thoughts are usually from people who’ve only loved with conditions. They never received unconditional love.
— Kim Tae Kyung
Her distance with love may have stemmed from the fact that her mom abandoned her when she was just a child, and her dad was not there to raise her because he was busy trying to make enough to provide for her.
Goo ___ dad. I’m like this because of Song ___ who birthed me. You used to take me around while cheating on dad, and you…
Why did you give birth to me if you were going to be this way?
— Hara
Professor Kim was certain that Hara had affection for her dad, but she didn’t consider her mom as anything more than a biological mom.
It may not seem much, but she writes [dad’s name] as dad but writes [mom’s name] as [mom’s name]. That’s the difference. He’s her dad but she isn’t her mom.
— Kim Tae Kyung
When the reporters asked what it meant when Hara wrote how she missed mom, Professor Kim believes that Hara was referring more about the idea of a comforting and loving mom than her actual biological mom.
Hara just wanted to experience the unconditional love that a normal mom gives to their child.
We don’t think of moms as moms just for the biological sense. We also consider them moms because they’re a source for us to rest and find comfort. She may have been talking about Ms. Song, but she it’s more likely that she was looking for the mom figure that provides comfort.
It’s very likely that it was her calling out for help, saying “I’m having a hard time. I want someone to comfort me. I’m tired.”
— Kim Tae Kyung
It’s almost nearing a year since Goo Hara left this world. Her absence is still greatly felt by her loved ones. Her brother and father are currently in a legal fight to prevent their mom from obtaining Hara’s inheritance and working to prevent any other children from getting hurt by a mom who abandons her children.
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